Life, The Press and Everything

A different breed of monster

In my last post, I discussed the Hypocritus Rex, who walks around pretending to stand for equality and respect for all while shunning, assaulting and otherwise ostracizing those who don’t conform to its norm.

Today, I would like to address the species of monster known as Kneejerkius Headinassasaurus. Headinassasaurus is a unique breed indeed. They think of themselves as non-violent vigilantes of social justice. Sadly, though, as the name implies, they usually wind up eating their own feet. Much like overzealous law enforcement officials, the Kneejerkius Headinassasaurus has a propensity to jump into a situation without first analyzing it, and then running full-tilt on its target until such time as it’s made to look like the fool it is by said target and/or the setting of the attack.

The easiest example on which to call would be the monsters who patrol every parking lot they enter, seeking out drivers who illegally use the handicapped parking spaces. Now mind you, I am all for someone doing this, as my wife is disabled. Whenever she is out and about with me, we use handicapped parking spaces. She has her own parking placard, which I hang off of my rear-view mirror each and every time I park between the bright, blue lines. When I spot a vehicle with no placard or handicapped license plates using one of those spaces, I actually do leave a note or confront the driver if (s)he is present at the time. BUT, I do so in a RESPECTFUL way, and ONLY AFTER FULLY examining the scene and the situation.

But the Kneejerkius Headinassasaurus does not possess the ability to stop, look and listen. The Kneejerkius Headinassasaurus sees a situation like mine and cannot control the urge to confront me about it. It has happened to me in virtually every state along I-95 from New York down to Florida.

My wife is handicapped. I am not. She relies on a walker for her ambulatory mobility. I am able-bodied. Looking at me alone, one would easily and accurately ascertain that I have no business using a handicapped parking spot. But beyond that, one takes chances by not spending the extra few seconds it would take to notice that my little, black sport coupe HAS A VALID HANDICAPPED PARKING PLACARD on display, and that my wife needs my help to get into or our of the car. Not to mention the fact that I stow her walker in the trunk, so the first thing I do on arrival is to exit the vehicle and remove and unfold the walker, and the last thing I do before departing is close the passenger side door, fold the walker and put it back into the trunk before getting behind the wheel.

All the Headinassasaurus sees, however,  is a little, black sport coupe using a handicapped parking space. I guess my first question for this species would be an inquiry as to whether or not they think that ALL handicapped people drive or are driven in minivans? Next, I would ask whether or not they think that ONLY wheelchairbound people get to use handicapped spaces. Come to think of it, I may just ask these two questions of the next Headinassasaurus against whom I need to defend myself.

The point is, I do not use handicapped parking spaces unless my wife or my 81 year old mother is with me. So if you happen to see a hot, black coupe with a spoiler on its ass, or any other type of vehicle for that matter using the blue spaces, LOOK FOR A PLACARD OR HANDICAPPED LICENSE PLATE BEFORE OPENING YOUR MOUTH. Even if you don’t see anyone else with me, if the placard is there, shut the hell up and keep on walking. Maybe my wife is inside and I am going to bring the car closer to the door for her. Maybe she’s in a doctor’s office and we forgot to bring something in from the car. You don’t know. You have no way of knowing. But if the placard is in my windshield, YOU NEED NOT EVEN ASK, PERIOD.

Having said all of that, I wish you all a Happy and a Healthy Mother’s Day. My whole family will be going out to celebrate. That means not one, but two cars will be using handicapped parking spaces. Both will have placards hanging from their rear-view mirrors.

Kneejerkius Headinassasauri beware. I am prepared to become the asteroid that sends you all to oblivion.

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